I really want to be a bride! Lately I feel like everyone I know is getting married, or engaged. In the past five years all four of my sisters have been married, in addition to about 14 of their friends and seven of my own! And that is only married - even more are engaged. So of course this makes me ponder my own wedding! I can’t wait; the only thing sad about getting married will be that I won’t get to plan it anymore! The colors, the music, the location, the food and of course, the most important thing of all…the dress!

And I will not deny that the groom possibility has crossed my mind once or twice. When I was 12 I started praying for my “future husband”. I prayed that he’d be surrounded by wonderful men of God who were steadfast in there beliefs. I prayed that he would be the spiritual leader in our relationship, and for his character, his patience, his gentleness and kindness. I even prayed that he would love to dance and have some kind of musical inclination! I prayed he’d be a hard worker and that his hands would reflect that. There is a whole list that I just lifted up to God in prayer every so often, and I filled a little journal of thoughts and of Bible verses to that mystery man so he could see how covered in prayer he was for years.

Regardless of all my prayers, whoever I marry is still going to be a guy, you know? He’ll still mess up, and he won’t be a reflection of that list to a tee. And thank goodness because if was I’d feel like a horrible person knowing I can’t always live up to those standards for which I prayed. Isn’t it beautiful how all of this can be applied to our walk with the Lord? Jesus is our bride groom and we as the church are the bride. And just how I pray for whoever I’ll marry, Jesus prays for us and intercedes for us to the Lord.

As a young man marries a maiden,
so will your sons marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.
Isaiah 62:4-6

Sometimes I wonder if I should have spent more time praying for my own character, devoting myself to being the kind of woman that the Lord would delight in. Not that I think any of those prayers for my future husband were wasted. I just think that for as much as I prayed for him I should have also been working on my standards for myself, which is something I continually have to remind myself of. I want to be the kind of woman that can steal God’s heart.

“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.”
Song of Songs 4:9

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Don not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”
Song of Songs 8:4

So rather than look towards the future and plan little details, I want to let God take charge. I want Him to be the future I rely on. I want His delight and His pleasure to be what I seek. I would love to just lay down my tendency to crave control and let him lead me. I want to thank Him for His unchanging character, His everlasting patience with me, His precious gentleness, and His unbelievable kindness. I want to dance with the Lord and sing songs that are as a sweet aroma. I want to captivate the heart of God and really work on holding myself to the standards I’ve set for others. I know nothing I do will ever make me worthy of His love, but I want to strive for that worth either way. Yeah, I really want to be a bride - the bride of Jesus!

The other day I was at Barnes and Noble reading and enjoying a cup of coffee, and I kept hearing this little girl near me talking. I was kind of enthralled in my book so it was a while before I actually looked up and saw her. It was pure “preciousness”- a little girl, probably 7 or 8 and her dad. She was looking at a book and I don’t know if she was describing the pictures or what but her dad was so interested in what she was saying to him. He gave her every bit of his attention, and what I loved even more was that even when she would pause to look through the book herself, his eyes were still fixed on her. His face seemed so gentle, and his smile literally warmed my heart. About a half an hour later they got up and left, (probably because I was staring and he wanted to get his daughter away from creepy girls like me who peer over their books and people watch!) and still he was so patient with her. She would run up to a display and show him something, or say something silly and she immediately would turn to him to see his reaction. He consistently reacted with a smile and some sort of heartfelt response.I love seeing love. In all honestly I kept expecting him to be like, “OK now we need to go. Stop running around; put your coat on and come with me!” But he never did, and that made me so happy. He simply loved her. That girl is going to grow up so confident in herself, so aware of her worth and the value of her words, ideas, and observations. She won’t ever look for that attention in the wrong places or people. She’ll know where she stands, and she’ll know she has this support from her father. I wish every girl could have that. I wish every man could realize the impact or potential impact they can have on a girl.In my Kairos group we’re reading Captivating, and it’s really showing me how it’s ok that girls are a little vulnerable and dependent; we were created to be. That dad may not have even realized the good he was doing. Maybe it was just his nature to be that patient. But I know that even the slightest sign of irritation from him really would have stuck with that girl a long time. Our hearts are so tender when we’re young, and at least from my experience and from those around me, the scars tend to stay a long time.But I love that the Lord has the heart of a Father towards us! It is such an important role in every person’s life, guy or girl. I’ve said it before, but my struggle has often been viewing God with a tender heart towards me. I feel like I have the tendency to irritate or overwhelm my family, so of course I always thought I did the same thing to God. But He’s really been working on me lately, and revealing that side of Himself to me more and more. So watching that little exchange between a daughter and Father made me melt. I love that when I pray, God’s eyes are fixed on me! When I turn away in shame He’s still looking, still paying attention. When I worship he delights, and smiles! How can that be?! How can HE delight in ME? Mmmm, I really, truly just love it.

About a week and half ago was, I think, the most trying week of my life. My sister, who was five months pregnant, was rushed to have an emergency c-section. The doctor told my mom it was absolutely necessary “to save both your daughter, and your grand-daughter’s life”. By the time the surgery was over, Lucy Grace had already died. My sister didn’t know, and when she woke up from the anesthesia, my brother-in-law had to tell her. Nothing like that has ever happened in my family. No one close to me has ever died; I have never witnessed or experienced such utter brokenness. Here I was, finally starting to feel like God had a tender heart towards me. I was actually beginning to see His pure loveliness rather than the vengeful, irritated God I always pictured. All I could think was that this was some sort of punishment. Did I not pray hard enough for protection of the baby? Was it because I haven’t been faithfully reading my Bible? What the heck? She didn’t do anything but she’s blaming herself. Her husband is trying to be the rock in the family, yet he’s broken-hearted too. I was truly on dangerous territory. I found myself praying (you could call it that, but it was more like screaming) to God with the most angry heart and the most spiteful words.

Thank God for our family in Christ because my friend Liz completely rebuked me and reminded me that these things happen because sin is in the world. Thank God for that too, because honestly if I were punished equally for every sin I’ve committed, I’d be…there really are no words to describe where I’d be. Liz also reminded me that He uses these trials to make us so much stronger and to draw that much nearer to Him. After that I was filled with such an inexplicable joy. I was in the Word, worshiping, praying, and just fully loving God, not to mention begging for forgiveness for how I acted at first. It’s been 13 days, and slowly the wounds are healing. Now I can say I’ve never witnessed or experienced such an outpouring of love from the people surrounding me. I’ve never seen my family draw so near to each other and God. This story has turned into a witness of His glory.

John 9:3-5 “Neither the man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life, as long as it is day we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming when no one can work. While I am in the world I am the light of the world.”

That was so comforting, knowing that through something so painful, God can be victorious in revealing His everlasting glory. In reality it kind of doesn’t matter what happens to us, because with our lives committed to Christ we know that everything is worked out for our good, yes, but ultimately, the point is to glorify Christ.

My sister was rushed back to the hospital three days ago. She had a pulmonary embolism, which is a blood clot in her lungs, and its very dangerous. But through the pure power of God, it dissipated. Now she’s home, but weak, broken and depressed. It’s so unreal to me that all of this happened to her in such a short amount of time, and I am so afraid that the spirit of depression will find a way into her heart. I am definitely the kind of person that needs to be moving around and doing something constantly. Sitting or kneeling and praying for her feels so unproductive, but I know its what I need to do. I know I need to relinquish that control to God, for He says, “Indeed even the very hairs on your head are numbered, don’t be afraid” (Luke 12:7).

Through prayer and worship we’ll all get through every horrible thing that happens, because it’s the knowledge we have that God IS in control. He knows the outcome and He is working it all out for “the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose.” Have you ever felt that chill when you’re worshiping? It’s like the Holy Spirit just filled the room and no one can deny it. It brings a sudden excitement to my heart, and the biggest, uncontrollable smile appears on my face. Worshiping the Lord with this song does it every time.

Desert Song- Hillsong
This is my prayer in the desert,
and all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me,
my God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror an co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow

This whole experience softened my heart to the core and made me see life as such a precious blessing. I think I’ve always taken my niece and nephews, my sisters, my friends, my own life, and definitely Jesus for granted. I don’t want to ever do that again. I want to love how He loves. I want to feel tender towards people and feel like Jesus feels tender towards me. This picture was the best way I could describe such a love.

The picture below is of my adorable niece Esther. It’s not the most spiritual of inspirations but I think it’s just the most precious captured moment. And at least for me, I think sometimes it’s hard to see God as someone who sees me as precious. It’s easier to feel guilt than forgiveness because it’s what we deserve. However, that kind of thinking is of the enemy- we are so dear, so precious to Him. I think even in our sin He can love us because that was the point of sending His son to die- to bridge that gap of sin between us and God.

Plus, this made me see that God has a sense of humor!
“Stolen water is sweet;
food eaten in secret is delicious!” Proverbs 9:17

I took this picture of my high school art teacher. When I started his class he daily spoke about how we are God’s creation- who are we to dislike how we look or deny what we have been made to do? His words really had an affect on me and stayed with me for years. Questioning what I’ve been made for and truly hating my flaws had always been a struggle for me. Then a few months ago Cliff spoke an incredible message about the Potter and the Clay, which inspired me to go back to my high school and take this picture.

Shall what is formed say to him who formed it,
“He did not make me”?
Can the pot say of the potter,
“He knows nothing”? - Isaiah 29:16

This picture is a tangible example of how we really are the work of God’s hands. We are pushed and molded so tenderly by Him, for the sole purpose of carrying out His will. He allows our imperfections and flaws for a purpose, and he gave us certain talents for a reason. Who are we to despise our flaws or to hide our gifts?