I have rewritten this entry several times already - trying to say the right words to get across what is currently piercing my heart… But it was too eloquent - too polished… It didn’t feel real, raw, authentic with what is honestly happening. Life isn’t a bite-sized devotional thought for the day… It doesn’t happen as a gentle nudge… Sometimes life is a watching the person you love more than anyone in the entire universe sobbing with pain at 2 in the morning when you have just finished an 18 hour day… Sometimes life is breathing deeply and holding back your own nausea as you rub the back of one who’s body is revolting against the contents of its stomach… Sometimes life is attempting to be an encouraging source of strength in public, and sobbing uncontrollably in private…

But in the midst of all of this pain - there is beauty. In the midst of this brokeness there is breathless wonder. In the throes of real suffering there is a desperate need for connection to the one who has suffered more. There is a white knuckle grip on the promises that when we draw close to God he will draw close to us. For to look into the eyes of the one that is suffering and to see her need for love and compassion, for tenderness and care, for a gentle kiss on chapped lips from dehydration - is to look into the eyes of Jesus…

I often question God about the suffering that my wife has endured… I battle thoughts of anger and discouragement, and have at times even questioned God’s goodness because of it. But then I ask Angela about her suffering, and she PROCLAIMS THE GOODNESS OF GOD BECAUSE OF IT. She has experienced a closeness and intimacy with God in the midst of her pain that the rest of us cannot understand. God has crafted in her a story that has inspired and encouraged countless hearts, both those who would call themselves Christians and those who are not yet followers of Christ.

As I move forward in this journey, I want my wife by my side as I walk… I need her wisdom, passion, discernment, and overwhelming beauty to make it through… Sometimes, in order to keep moving forward, God has given me the strength that when she is down and get take another step, to carry her… At other times, when I find myself struggling and discouraged and needing affirmation and grace, I realize that Jesus is carrying both of us closer to himself…

It is with a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach that I testify to the beauty of vulnerability, weakness, and frailty that God uses to break hearts of stone. If having a hard heart shields you from feeling and hurting and loving, then I’ll choose the fleshy and soft heart so that I can see more of God through suffering.