The other night I was at a social gathering, hanging out, talking with people, enjoying the shenanigans and frivolity of the evening. Needless to say, it was a pretty alright night.

That was until I had a negative conversation with someone. Not because they were being negative but more so I’d have to say the conversation was more of a downer-type because it left a bad taste in my mouth. Just the whole vibe of things was…well you know when you’re talking to someone and get the feeling that you’ve just done something horrible to them, even though you’ve never done anything to warrant such a reaction? Then it frustrates you even more when you’re not sure if they’re doing it on purpose or if they even have any idea what they’re doing because then you don’t even know if you should talk to them about it. I always wrestle with wondering if I should even bring up to them what they’re doing, or if it’s even worth it because they’re just going to look at me and say “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know that I was being such a pain in the…side.”

The feeling of confusion, bitterness, anxiety, & frustration became the catalyst for my sudden desire to depart from the gathering. So I found my ride and we headed home and I began to air my grievances.

Side note: you know you have a good friend when you ask them if you can just vent and they cordially reply “I would love nothing more!” and they mean it.

So needless to say when I got home that evening I was finding it hard to sleep. My mind was racing through my frustrations not just with the situation that had recently arose but with life in general with school, work, people, friends….I cried out to God and asked why is it so hard? Why are people so confusing? Why don’t some people just get it? Why can’t I just have a break? When are things going to go my way?

Over the next few days I began to receive some answers to my cries…

It first began with a question, a rebuttal to my lament so to say: Why do you hold onto things and worry about them? Why do you continue to cling to these things even after you lay them down at my feet and confess that you trust in me to provide? Why don’t you trust me?

I began wondering why I continue to live as though things are the same when I ask God to change something in my life.

Why was I holding onto these pains and frustrations? Why did I tell God that I trusted Him and then spend my time worrying and being mad and frustrated and bitter?

I had hardened my heart against the very words from Matthew 6:25-34, words that had been such a source of both comfort and strength to me before. Words from the mouth of Christ reassuring us that we are loved and cared for and He will provide for us. Words that told us not to worry about the worldly troubles and to focus our hearts and mind on the kingdom of heaven- to not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I was no longer living in the freedom found only in Christ but in the chains of my own selfishness and worry. I had asked for change, for Christ to make things new, to renew my heart and mind yet I continued to live as though nothing had changed. Or as Paul puts it in 2 Corinthians 5:17;

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;
the old has gone, the new has come!”

There was a part of my heart and mind that was clinging onto the old and not embracing the new. I confessed to God my mistrust and asked for Him to search my anxious ways and to continue to make known to me the path of truth. I went on to relinquish this worry and when it creeps up and tries to consume me once again I stop, slow down, pray and even in those moments of great trial, there is a thought, a gentle, whispering voice of reassurance that dances in the back of my mind, it sounds like this “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

There’s a beautiful piece of musical poetry in which the storyteller sings to one he loves and pleads with him to not carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. It is a warning that is true and should be listened to for when we carry the weight of our worries we not only feel the world upon our shoulders but upon our hearts as well. We cripple ourselves and become blinded by our own mistrust. But that is a weight we no longer have to bear because of the love of Christ and it is Christ himself who put it best in Matthew 11:28-30;

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”