One thing I have noticed as it relates to my walk with God and how I view Him, is how much my view of God is related to my stage of life. When I was a little boy, my faith was a response to the threat of hell that deeply scared and disturbed me. The concept of relationship with Jesus was a little bit beyond me, but I really understood the concept of behavior and consequences. This would go a long way to explaining my multiple “sinner’s prayer” moments during my younger years, thinking that my actions had invalidated the insurance policy that I had signed at the age of 4. My mind couldn’t understand nor comprehend that my sin was not more powerful than the everlasting love of God, I just merely assumed that because I had broken the rules, I would lose the reward as punishment. I carried that same tension toward my father during those years, that fear/love balance that would have me happily at his side in the morning, and cowering in fear later because of my disobedience. I guess I viewed my father less as a father, and more of a judge that would reward and punish when necessary.

As I entered my teenage years, my understanding of the world began to change a little bit – as did my relationship with God. I went to Christian school for most of my life, and so when the concept of God’s will and his sovereignty was presented to me – I became obsessed with it. I now treated God as responsible for all that was happening to me, good and bad. I completely abdicated myself from any responsibility, even getting upset with Him for a tear in my new jeans while playing a silly youth group game – as if it was part of His twisted plan to tear my Levi’s. Instead of viewing His sovereign will for my life as a beautiful and loving plan that is full of His love and protection, I viewed it as a magic eight ball that I would shake to get answers to my deepest and shallowest questions. I was strangely intrigued by Gideon, big surprise, and how he ascertained God’s will for his next move. Since I didn’t have any fleeces around to lay outside, I turned my Nerf basketball hoop in my room into the God’s Will-o-Meter for my life. Does Carly like me? Swish! Yess!!!! Should I ask her out? Airball… Hmmm – well – I guess she would have said no. Thanks God.

Through some trips and other experiences, I slowly began to stop treating God as my personal fortune cookie, and started to understand the essence of prayer and relationship. I took 1 Thessalonians 5:17 to heart (“Pray without ceasing”), and began to have an ongoing dialogue with God in my head, and out loud (when the coast was clear). This began an amazing stretch in my spiritual journey, one in which I finally felt God’s call on my life to be a Pastor, and in which I started to date girls.

I enrolled in a Bible college to begin my Biblical studies so that I could begin my calling to be a pastor. I took lots of classes on the Bible, studied it, exegeted it, memorized it, and even preached it. But something happened – I stopped spending quality time with God. My prayers had ceased. The way I had once naively known and loved and pursued God, had now been replaced with my knowledge about God. Instead of allowing these facts and dates and truths to deepen my love and affection and desire to know Him more – it had the opposite effect. A seismic shift had taken place, and after the rubble had settled there was now a huge chasm between my head and my heart. It is so hard to admit it now – but this was who I was for a few years. But God wasn’t done with me yet.

I dated a decent amount in college. Now if you listen to urban legends, you may feel inclined to exaggerate the exact number, but don’t bother. Suffice it to say that I “donated plasma” and sold clothes out of my closet to fund my dating life. Then my heart changed forever. Her name was Angela, and she was one of my best friends. We flirted on occasion, but she was too close a friend and too delicate a flower for me to consider adding her to the wake of my dating history. Then it happened – like stepping on a metal garden hoe and then being surprised at how much it really does hurt when it connects with your face – I realized that she was the one for me.

Our dating experience was like that glorious moment when the vanilla latte with extra foam becomes a caramel macchiato – the addition of the caramel sauce takes a great drink and makes it a cultural phenomenon. CliffandAnge became a new word to describe this inseparable, passionate pair of lovers (well before the days of Brangelina – but with less press coverage) that were speeding toward the altar. Our wedding day was nothing less than epic – complete with the sobbing groom as his gorgeous bride came toward him with a love in her eyes that was full of purity, passion, and a promise.

Suddenly, everything changed between God and I. I started to view Him differently now that I had this miraculous love story waking up next to me each morning. I started to see his love in a new light. I realized what it meant for God to be “jealous” of me – because I felt that way about my wife. She knew me as no one else in the world did, we trusted each other completely, and couldn’t wait to be intimate with each other. I began to understand God’s expectations for me not as prison walls, but as boundaries meant to deepen our relationship and my joy. I saw in my desire to change the parts of my life that hindered my intimacy with my wife, the picture of the pursuit of holiness in my relationship with God. I was now living life to please Him, not because of the requirements of my title as a Christian, but because of my deepening love and closeness with Him. I saw my burgeoning need to be a selfless husband who humbly loves his wife and would die for her, with the heart-stopping demonstration of love in the cross of Jesus Christ.

We don’t have any children. I am sure that if God gives us one or two that my understanding and love of Him is going to grow and change even more as I wrestle with what it means to be a father that loves his children and wants what is best for them.

Have you noticed this in your life? I could write so much more about this – how God taught and changed me through the lens of suffering, spiritual warfare, friendship, 24/7 prayer, worship, and so on… I pray that your relationship with God will deepen, grow, and morph as you journey through life. He loves you so much that He is patient with where you are and what you can handle and understand. Try to fathom that – God (insert theological understanding of who He is, what He’s done, what He’s yet to do here) loves you (insert personal understanding of who you are, what you’ve done, and yet to do here). He knows you – and He loves you.